The journey back has not been a cake walk. It has been unexpectedly painful, humbling, and revealing.
Although I spent the first year working simply on developing more of a servant's heart, and learning how to live more willingly and spontaneously in a state of surrender, it didn't lead to being more passive and agreeable as I thought it would.
(contd in another post)
Instead, it has made me a little more fiery. More rebellious. More convicted about speaking the truth and doing what's right, instead of worrying about doing it right. This is easier said than done when your husband is the pastor, and although he's terribly unhappy in his role as pastor because of a few people there, he will almost always choose suffering over change which might lead to any kind of conflict. The problem with this is it leads nowhere but backwards.
I, on the other hand, will raise the question. Challenge us, together, to the conversation. I have no fear going in and tackling any subject because I know in my heart of hearts that something will be learned, and something will come from it. Even if it's not what we were planning.
The conversation may raise questions, issues, fears of change or control or tradition...they may be personal or collective as a church body. But either way, if the issue is raised, it has clearly been sitting there waiting to surface. Needing to surface. Needing you to wrestle with it.
When we want to build trust, there is only one way to do it. Get stuff out there between you and start wrestling with it honestly. Not in a way that compromises anyone's ideals, but instead, in a way that leads you to a big picture view of what's possible. This is the only way to get there.
Then, don't make the mistake of thinking what you prefer is your 'way.' It is not. Your way is not getting your preferred method or color or choice, but rather, the way that leads more effectively to the shared vision, or the way that meets the needs of most or all. It's not about being right, it's about being happy. The give and take of building trust is not about doing it your way, but about being honest in the dialogue. It's perfectly ok to say you feel badly if not using the way you preferred, but the vulnerability of doing what you know is best is better...and leads to more growth and happiness. And maybe even the desired outcome.